Woke up one morning to discover a stranger living in my apartment. How she had come to co inhabit my domicile I wasn’t quite sure. Even weirder yet was the fact that I had once known her better than I had probably ever known myself. Such are the circumstances in life when things change as they inevitably do.
Adel Mable for better or for worse, until recently, had been the woman I was faithfully seeing for gong on four years, which is a lot longer than most marriages last. She was a beautiful young Germanic woman, docile and petite; real easy on the eyes just like any woman should be. Had these long thick locks of died blonde hair that she had had so long she didn’t remember what her real hair color looked like. It used to really get her motor humming if you’d gently massaged the back of her neck right where it met her head, I could have done that for hours, just sat there and got lost in her hair, if only she would have let me. The problem with normal people like Adel was that she had been loved all her life by caring and nurturing parents that did the best they could, she didn’t need my love, not like I needed hers.
It was your typical case of a middle class girl defying her parent’s orders and slumming with the dirty boy from the wrong side of the tracks. She was attracted to me because I was unlike any person she had ever met before, some high-powered mutant never considered for mass production. I was either going to be a success story or a fucking tragedy but regardless I was going to ride it out to the end. It was the balls-to-the-wall mentality. She told me once that I was, “the most interesting person she had ever met.” Probably the greatest complement anyone as ever given me. Fell for me head over heels real bad but was too afraid to let me know how she felt. I didn’t notice it until people pointed it out to me, they’d say stuff like “Boy, she really loves you,” or if you’re a guy friend, “you must have a foot long dong.” We didn’t tell each other that we loved one another until four months into the relationship.
At the beginning of out courtship I was woefully inadequate to handle such a vivacious woman such as Miss Mable. I felt like I was some undercover spy playing the role of the boyfriend. She was liable to discover me any second and then I’d be in for it. I worried about my abilities as a lover; I had barely kissed a girl let alone had sex with one. I went as far as to tell her that I had been with two other women before, lies that I’d come to regret as the truth gradually seeped out. She’d tease me about it real bad after I finally told her the truth. I had never really been loved in my life, always kind of the outcast. My parents where drunks and drug addicts who had left me to be raised by my Grandma who never knew what was going on. She’d lost whatever grip on reality she had years ago. Supposedly I had a brother somewhere on the west coast, don’t remember meeting as a kid, they say I did. Didn’t make a difference if I had or hadn’t. She was the first one in my life to ever make me think that she cared what I thought or felt.
I was a god-awful jackass when we first started dating. Looking back I was testing her, seeing how much shit she’d eat before giving me some back. Didn’t even realize what I was doing until it was too late. I deliberately sabotaged myself in relationships by never letting anyone through my wall of defenses. Sad part about the whole sorry state-of-affairs is that I’ll probably do the exact same things my entire life and I’ll never learn from it. I do my best at learning but I always seem to manage to screw things up somewhere along the way. The first year of our courtship was like that, she’d bend over backwards trying to do her best to make me happy and I would throw it right back into her face as often as I possibly could. I’m amazed that she would humble herself that much just to be with me. That year taught me the only thing I have ever known about women. That if any woman, regardless of shape, size, muscle tone, religion, race, or creed will give you her love, then it’s the best goddamn thing in the entire world and it’s something that everyone should have the rare pleasure to savor in; even if just for five minutes. That’s why you can make love to someone and maybe just allow yourself to believe you love them, even if you know it’ll never be true.
Around about the second year I began to really open up myself to the possibility that I could actually be in love with the wonderful person, whom I realized did a hell of a lot of me. She’d bring me food when I was hungry, stop over if I was bored, leave when I wanted her too, and blow me if I need it. This girl was the best girlfriend in the existence of mankind. I used to say that I wouldn’t consider marring her because we where both still incredibly young, I thought we couldn’t clutch the first thing about love. I wasn’t looking for love and really didn’t want to find it at that point in my life but I wasn’t vein enough to try to pretend that it didn’t happen. Our relationship was already over and I didn’t even know it, it’s easy to look back now and see the fault lines widening and beginning to give way to a massive god-awful crater. I do love her it’s just I never bothered to show it until it was too late.
It was just after our third anniversary when things started to get rough again, I got arrested a few times on bogus charges of driving under suspension and a warrant for an unpaid ticket. She was also turning twenty-one every shortly and wanted to enjoy the bar scene and going out and getting fucked up with her sluttish friends. She started to see me as part of her past and not of her future, told me that she, “didn’t want to worry about someone sitting around back home wondering what time I was going to come in.” I told her I wouldn’t do that and that it was ok with me as long as she was smart and safe about everything. The exact opposite thing happened at first and she grew to dislike me even more for my overbearing protective nature and for what she saw as a major gap in maturity.
The final straw in our official relationship came in late October. Adel was living with a girlfriend of her’s Danielle, they’d been friends for as long as either of them could remember and no man, certainly not me, was going to come in the way of that. I had stayed the night there in their high-rise apartment many a time before and with relatively little or no complaints for Danielle. Danielle was the type of girl who threw men away like they where old milk and never really could love anyone because she wasn’t even sure who she was let alone what it was she was looking for. Danielle had privately taken up a war on me ever since she realized I was no flavor of the week in her friends heart, adding fuel to the fire was the introduction of alcohol which I had a seemingly endless supply.
It was on one of these claim mundane nights in late October that we found ourselves cooped up in the apartment with nothing better to do than drink some fine Russian Vodka, I had acquired only hours earlier. We got progressively drunk and waited for the arrival of Danielle’s latest boy toy Mike. The conversation began to get juicer and juicer. We started talking about sex, how many people you’ve bagged, weirdest places, and the whole assorted mess of it. Drugs, sex, fantasies, the topics covered ranged from vague thoughts to architecture. It was somewhere within this fog of conversation that I was asked if I would quit smoking marijuana casually. It wasn’t something I was even doing at the time because I was on probation and couldn’t. I told her that I was going to do whatever I wanted and I wasn’t going to change for any woman. A backhand comment that wasn’t meant to have the impact that it did. Adel Mable was the kind of girl who until recently never took a chance in her life. Never smoke cigarettes, weed, barely drank, didn’t sleep around, always did her schoolwork, had parents that loved her, a dog, and a cat. She was the exact opposite of me and hated the lowlife things that I chose to engage in. All she ever really wanted was for me to be happy and unfortunately for her, I always happier with drugs.
Directly after my comment she says, “I knew you’d never change your ways!” and now furious, storms out of the apartment… HER APARTMENT! I sat stunned for a second and then managed a halfway glance to her roommate. Danielle gives me this satisfied look that I’m gone for good now and I go running after her. Managed to catch up to her right before she got on the elevator and possibly out of my life for good. Those are the worse moments in life when you know it could go either way but it’s going to have a huge impact either or. We talked awhile and I convinced her that I had stopped for good anyway and that all I meant by my comment was that I wouldn’t want a woman to put me in the kind of a situation to where I had to chose between her and something else whether it be my friends, smoking cigarettes, or going to a bar to have a drink once an a while. She agreed to come back to her place and we sat quietly back and enjoyed the rest of the bottle.
We fell asleep in each other’s arms after having good, loud, make-up sex. I wanted to make damn sure Danielle overheard in the other room just so she’d know that I wasn’t going to be ousted so easily. Everything, EVERYTHING would have been fine if it had ended there; but things have always had the nasty habit of escalating around me. I couldn’t tell you exactly what happened next but I’ll do my best to recant my somewhat hazy memory.
Half drunkenly I awoke in the embrace of my lover, I felt the sudden and overpowering urge to vomit. Not an entirely uncommon thing for someone who had had as much to drink as I had. I managed to get myself into the bathroom completely unscathed. The bedroom itself got narrower as it receded into the attached bathroom; in the corner stood this giant swivel mirror my girlfriend had purchased some month back. After puking my guts out into the toilet, and feeling much better after doing so, it came time to find my way back into my lovers embrace. As I was leaving the bathroom I stretched out my arms to guide myself in the pitch-black room. My impaired motor skills meant that I inadvertently left my hands extended for too long and struck the mirror sitting there in the corner. I don’t even remember doing it but the next thing I knew this big thing comes crashing down to the ground and the lower half of the mirror blows to pieces and goes all over. Holy Shit! Was my first thought, unfortunately for me my next was to prop up the mirror. Again you’ll have to remember I’m extremely bombed still from all the vodka and ill tempers. So I stand this mirror back up only to have the top half of the thing come sliding out of it’s fixtures and come crashing to the ground, dicing my large right toe. I thought for sure the damn thing would be lying on the floor wiggling and slopping about. The whole event has now awaked Adel and probably Danielle. I limp back off into the bathroom to try and take care of my foot and Adel starts to yell at me and pick up the glass. She starts up the nosiest vacuum ever to have been produced and probably woke up half the floor doing so. There I am in the bathroom bleeding all over the place because the alcohol is making it extremely difficult for my blood to clot. They took turns yelling at me and after the whole thing had calmed down some Adel and I had a small chat and I slept on the floor that night. Adel had just gotten new bed linen and didn’t want a huge bloodstain on them. At least that was the excuse she gave me. Damn toe didn’t stop bleeding until sometime the next day, thought for sure I was going to have to go to the hospital.
I wasn’t ever really allowed back to Adel and Danielle’s apartment, few exceptions aside. I can’t really say I blame them though, wouldn’t want to be around a guy like me when he gets drunk. I can have two Brandy Alexander’s and be perfectly fine and very conversational but on that third one… then the gloves come off and I’m the mean drunk guy bombarding people with my insults and raves. Still, it hurt that she didn’t stick up for me, the minute her roommate kicked me out that was it. Adel paid all the bills and most he rent, ultimately I thought it was her decision not to allow me back. After that she started to drop hints that she was unhappy in the relationship. Her friends all hated me and constantly pushed for my immediate removal. Around this time I lost a couple jobs and was forced to borrow a considerable amount of money from Adel, which I eventually did repay. There is nothing worse than a favor involving money. It felt like the whole world was coming down on top of me and I was trying my best. Everything it seemed was putting a tremendous strain on our relationship.
She didn’t want to break my heart and I could tell it really did hurt her to have to be the one to teach me that sometimes two people who love each other very much can grow apart and not be right for each other anymore. In short, love fades just like an old shirt. We spent the night together the day before she broke it off with me. Only later did I find out that she had done it on purpose, to give me one last great taste of what I’d be missing the rest of my life. It’s not that I didn’t see it coming but it didn’t hurt any less when it happened. When she left that morning I couldn’t have know what awaited me just a few hours later. I remember getting the call around six or seven o’clock at night. There was a slight possibility of her and I getting together to do something that night so I wasn’t surprised by the call. She started off real calm and mellow, as if one of those life altering moments wasn’t just about ready to come ripping down the path of life. I remember her exact words.
“John,” she said in her best lying voice, “I’ve been giving it a lot of thought lately and I just don’t think I’m ready to have a boyfriend anymore.” The gravity of the situation still hadn’t registered on my face yet so she continued. “Well it’s not that it’s you or anything.” Which is a usual for sure sign that it is exactly you and only you who are to blame for this. “It’s just that I’ve been with boyfriends most of my teenage life and I never really got he opportunity to go out and party and go to bars. Everyone keeps telling me how I shouldn’t be wasting my youth with men.” There was no convincing her either, she was hell bent on getting rid of me. The worse thing about the whole god awful mess was that deep down in my stomach I felt that this was one of those moments that you look back on and say, “Well if I had just done this.” I’ll always wonder what it’s like to be with Adel, even if I never get the chance.
Things were weird the first few weeks after our breakup, we still remained best friends yet there was a distance that was kept whenever we engaged in any activity together. It wasn’t until I discovered that she had secretly been seeing some macho metro sexual Italian meatball named Tony Ryder that things really reached their peak. It also turned out that they had met the very same night that she had broken up with me, a mere hours later Adel Mable was out dodging around town with this ape of a man. There was a time right before my twenty-first birthday that she was dating both Tony and I. She told me about a week before my birthday that she had given him a blowjob, something that she hadn’t done to me since the night before our relationship had ended. I was irate when she told me, a complete psychopath that she thought I’d be. I don’t blame her for not telling me before she did. Maybe it was better that I didn’t know at all but that didn’t stop her from telling me.
I wasn’t looking forward to my twenty-first birthday at all. I had had a long history of bad birthdays in the past and this one wasn’t shaping up to be any better. Birthdays ranging from parents and friends forgetting, being violently ill, getting dumped, car accidents, and general depression and disorder. At that present time I was on probation for another two weeks, had no car, no license, no job, little to no money, and now to make everything worse my girl was being molested by another mans spunk. I hadn’t told my parents that we were broken up yet, my mom absolutely loved Adel and she wanted grandkids more than she had wanted her own. I didn’t have the heart to tell her. Adel had agreed to come by on my birthday and I even went through the trouble of having my mom make lasagna that night just because Adel loved my moms lasagna with garlic bread and red wine. It was a big deal to me that Adel kept her word and actually show up on time or for that matter at all. She had been notorious for broken promises, late arrivals, and missed plans throughout our relationship. We both weren’t perfect and no one is but what matters is whether or not you’re right for each other. I always felt Adel and I were right for each other.
The night of my birthday comes around and there is this big blizzard that hits town around three o’clock in the afternoon. I wasn’t driving at the time but I’m sure the whether on the freeway must have been horrendous. I had asked Adel everyday for the preceding week if she was actually going to come over, she assured me every day that come hell or high water she would be there on time and dressed to kill as usual. I remember talking to her before she left her apartment and telling her to drive safely and that the weather was supposed to get bad. It wasn’t until she was halfway to my house that she bothered to call back to inform me that the weather was just too bad and that she was going to turn back. My lips motioned to make words but the words that came out were the wrong ones.
“Well if it’s bad out I think you should turn back, my twenty-first birthday isn’t really that important anyway.” When I really just wanted to hold her in my arms on one of the darkest days in my life. Adel hadn’t wanted to cancel and her safety is in the long run was much more important to me than my stupid birthday but that was the first time in the month that we had broken up that I allowed myself to admit that she really might not be in love with me anymore; the delusion that she was under of wanting freedom and running away from what had the potential of becoming the greatest love story of all time. It was a crushing defeat to the coveted idea that we’d get back together and she might hold me in such high esteem again. It really felt like the gap between us was growing when all I wanted it to do was shrink. The next few hours I was a wreck of a man, hazy and confused about everything. The one thing I had known was that we loved each other and now I wasn’t even sure of that.
I was in such a need to see her that at seven o’clock I borrowed my mom’s car and drove all the way to her place in the exact same blizzard just to see her and bring her some of my mom’s homemade lasagna. At first her roommate wasn’t going to allow me in but relented at the last minute just because it was my birthday. I was in a real mess and it looked like my latest birthday would be my worse one to date. It didn’t take Adel longer than two seconds to realize the sort of condition that I was in. She was always very instinctive; she always knew when I was sad, mad, or angry. She didn’t always come up with the right words to say, (who ever does?) but just the idea that she knew what I felt made me feel better in some way.
I was practically in tears when she opened the door and let me in. Her roommate was in the adjacent kitchen sitting just out of sight drinking some herbal tea and gabbing on about her latest boyfriend with some funny name and an even weirder accent. She always managed to find the guys straight off the boat, must have had friends in immigration that set her up on blind dates. “Go back to my room and I’ll be back in five minutes.” She told me. I wasn’t in any state to do anything other than obey. Gave her the food and a peck on the cheek then receded into the back hallway that led to my ex-girlfriends room. I still loved her for what it was worth. The five minutes gradually gave way to ten minutes which then progressed to fifteen minutes and then morphed once again into twenty-five. The whole month had slowly worn down my nerves to where I was becoming manically psychotic. My twenty-first birthday was slowly becoming the worse day in my life.
Maybe you’ve had the experience of waiting for something to come in the mail. Maybe it’s some movie you bought online, a magazine, stereo, automotive parts, could be anything at all really. You sit there day after day expecting it to come in every damn day. It’s been my experience that the package never seems to come until you really believe that it won’t come, that somehow the thing has gotten lost and you’ll never get a chance to touch it. Wasn’t until I’d given up on Adel that she really started to come through for me.
She came back into the room and saw that I’d somehow managed to get worse. I had done a good job at keeping it together during the pervious month but my shit was beginning to show now. I always wanted to be strong around her but she always left me utterly exposed. For better or for worse no one has ever made me feel the way she did. She started asking me what’s wrong and why I was so down and depressed. I didn’t want to tell her at first but there really wasn’t any choice in the matter. I knew spilling my guts to her would make me feel a whole hell of a lot better.
“You know I still love you more than anything don’t you?” I sobbingly confessed to her sitting next to me on the floor behind her bed so that no one could see us. “I know I wasn’t ever really the best boyfriend in the world but I love you. I guess I just always thought that if you had love then that was all you really needed.” She sat quietly in the still dark room of this early December night. I could tell that she felt awkward and didn’t quite know how to handle the situation. “I always thought that you knew how much I loved you and think you’re the sexiest being on the entire planet…” I continued an absolute wreck of a man. “I guess I just always thought you knew and that I didn’t have to tell you how much I appreciate you but I realize now that you have to tell a women you love her at least three times a day or they think you’re cheating on them or something.” I started to cry uncontrollably. Out of ever couple, married or not, we got along the best and understood each other the most. Both of us where entirely capable of being insanely pissed at thee other and then fifteen minutes later burring the hatchet and going about as though nothing had happened. I could never stay mad at Adel, no matter how much I wanted to be, one of the enduring qualities that made her grueling to forget. She was the only person I’ve ever met that was completely impossible to stay mad at for twenty minutes. I could go days or weeks not talking to anyone else but if I didn’t talk to her for more that two days I felt like I was missing a huge part of me. The day just never felt complete unless I heard her increasingly scarce voice. I wasn’t experience in love but I knew enough to recognize that someone like that doesn’t come along everyday of the week. Told her all this as we sat there in the backroom of her apartment on my twenty-first birthday.
“Why don’t we take a bath?” She finally asked after the worse of my emotional meltdown was over. “A good bath always makes you feel better.” She was the mother that I never had and so desperately needed. It was only the third time I had seen her naked body since we had broken up. She was still as voluptuous as ever with her flowing long hair and her childbearing hips that reminded me of what I was missing.
I started the bath and lit some Yankee Candle’s of Mistletoe and Christmas Cookie. The soft light made her looking exceedingly glorious. We sat in the bathtub on my twenty-first birthday and I gently massaged her back and we talked about everything from past loves to things we had recently heard about people we knew. Adel and I never had much in common but we always took things lightly and half-jokingly. There was a lot of humor in our relationship and it’s one of the reasons that I think that we’ve managed to last as long as we did and were able to standby each other through all that has happened. Her and I must have spent damn near an hour just lounging around bullshitting in the bathtub of her apartment on a cold, biter, early winters night. It was getting near ten o’clock and unfortunately she had to work that night at eleven. We got out and dried off. I couldn’t help but get aroused from all this. You would too if you hadn’t been with such an undying beauty as her for over month. I can only equate it to an old junkie returning after years of abstinence to the wonderful bliss of heroin he had known in his youth.
“Do you want to make love?” She asked with a hauntingly erotic glance. As if those words as never before been uttered in history and they were first spoken specifically for the situation that I now found myself in. In truth if the next words out of her mouth had been “I’ve got to get ready for work do you mind leaving?” I would have just as quickly agreed to do so, but the dice came around and landed the way that they did.
I took her quickly in my arms and slid my hand around to the back of her neck just below her hairline. She always liked it when I took charge and take charge I did. The way I looked at it was that this would my last chance to win her back, an audition for the fate of our love. I wasn’t going to leave anything in my sexual bag of tricks and there was no reason to hold back on a birthday fuck. After all it only comes around once a year and your lucky if you get to do it more than thirty times.
We’d made love countless times and even though it had been a while we fell right back into our well thought out and numerous sexual positions. I knew exactly what she wanted and when she wanted it. I knew the way she liked to have me start by gently massaging her and the regulatory means in which she liked to be kissed twice on the lips and then a long passionate French one. Her motor never got any higher throttled than when I was under the hood. She like to have her clitoris licked but hated when I stuck my finger up inside of her, for whatever reason she was obsessed with the hygiene of her vagina and insisted I wash my hands before most sexual encounters. I ate her out for a while and then we started to actually make love. I took a position on top and started out fast and then would slow it down whenever the passion had reached the zenith of. Love making with Adel was the best roller coaster ride in humanity. It consisted of long sloping hills of erotica and durations of intense physical oneness that always ended in the same place it started with her in my arms and me already recanting fondly on what we had achieved, the excitedly rare and illusive female orgasm. We would have cuddled longer but she barely had enough time to suck my dick and get dress for work. We told each other how much we loved one another and I was on my way home and she was off to work. As luck would again shine on me that night, Queens immortal rock classic “We Are the Champions” triumphantly blared from my car radio on the shorter than usual ride home.
She stopped seeing other men and we started having sex on a month basis. I didn’t get a chance to see her much but I talked to her almost every day. She tried to be as nice as she could to me without ever leading me on that our arrangement was anything more than convince for her in which she gets a boyfriend without ever having to worry about what he thinks, what he’s interested in, and how he feels. How someone could arrive in such a place from being in a state of complete infatuation is beyond me. She had truly loved me once with all her heart and soul and I her, that was over now but we still couldn’t get rid of each other. We still had fun together and we had become best friends over the course of our long courtship. It’s not easy making the transition from having a significant other to being single and it’s made even more difficult if you don’t have a best friend to lean on.
She started to tell me more and more how much she appreciated me. Adel was warming to me again and it began to show in her disposition and attitude towards me. She went on vacation to Las Vegas and it was something that I was really dreading at first. We had made plans for me to travel with her and they fell through again and again and I didn’t end up going. I thought for sure that there would be no way for me to talk to her the entire time that she was there. I feared she’d ignore me completely and become annoyed if I called even once. To my complete and utter surprise things were the exact opposite and I talked to her frequently throughout the week. The first time I saw her upon her returning we made sweet passionate love on the floor at her parents place. It was the first time we had made love in well over a month and the last time we ever would.
I have taken the blame for much that has gone wrong in our relationship and rightfully so as I do bear the brunt of the burden but what I did next was inexcusable and completely morally wrong. We’d never truly cheated on each other and even though I had had impure thoughts about other women while I was with her I never acted on anything. There was this cute little brunette I had begun to work with at my job with the local newspaper. I didn’t do anything but copy articles and write box scores but it was a great start to what I hoped would be a long journalism career. Marylou Bettencourt was her name, she wrote for the food section contributing receipts and occasionally reviewing the newest restaurant around. Beautiful woman with a great personality, long hair and magnetic blue eyes, she was well trained in the art of flirtation and was the resident office hottie. There wasn’t a guy that worked there that didn’t wonder what she’d be doing later on. The exact kind of women you’d run to after having broken up with someone like Adel. We had started off as friends after being stuck in the office after hours one Wednesday night in January. We both liked to smoke marijuana and kinship was born from that. She wasn’t as smart as Adel but she made me laugh like Adel could. A radiant body is one way to catch my eye but a woman that can make me laugh always melts my heart. I didn’t think anything about it at first other than that I had a new friend around work and someone I could go to about Adel.
I knew in my head what I was doing had to have been breaking every dating rule in the book. I kept Marylou’s friendship hidden from Adel, she would think we were having an affair and I was trying my best to repair things with her and didn’t need mounting suspicion to interfere. At first things started off just as a working relationship, her office was near my desk and we saw each other quite often. We gradually began to get closer and closer as everyone does with any friend regardless of sex. I didn’t think much of it at the time other than it was some cool chick I could toke with occasionally in the parking lot or a number of small janitor closets. Real fun and innocent stuff that everyone does in their youth.
Most of the women in my life that have developed a crush on me I never saw coming. One day we’re just friends who I’d fantasize about and the next they were all over me. I’ve always been rubbish when it comes to saying something smooth or charming a woman I’d never seen before, it always seems that the women who fall for me really have to get to know me a little bit before they do. I guess I just don’t have anything that grabs anyone’s attention. Marylou was fun because she slept with who she wanted when she wanted and didn’t give a damn what anyone thought about her. She was a rebel like I was and Adel, as great of a woman that she was, could never hope to share that experience with her frigid body and icy love. Walking into Adel’s love was like that chilly morning gust of wind that hits you in January and Marylou was much more delicate and soft. She had a way of greeting you with open arms.
Adel and I had just had a huge goddamn fight about our sex life. It seems that I wanted one and she didn’t. Always a source of tension after we had officially ended, I think sometimes that she might of broken up with me just so she wouldn’t have to have sex with me as often. Needless to say that I was all dressed up with nowhere to go and walking around town popping huge erections at any pretty girl that walked my way and even some of the not so pretty ones had begun to peak my interest. Despite my situation I take full responsibility for what happened that night. It was an unusually slow day for news, even for a Wednesday. We had always told each other of our sex lives or the lack there of. We were sitting at my desk joking around waiting for the paper to go to press so we could check out our respective work and maybe catch a few of the errors that inevitably slip through in each paper. She looked cute and seductive as she always did yet now I could really feel her hormones raging inside her. She was turned on, I wondered how I had achieved this desired effect and wished I could do it to Adel. Suddenly Mary was this vibrant and fertile woman and I found myself unable to resist.
Moving in closer from atop my desk to practically in my lap. We were the only ones even in the office building and no one knew we were still on the premises other than the old bastard sleeping on security detail. The fact that there were cameras only made me more ravenous.
“You know Alex…” She whispered into my ear “When I see something I want I just can’t help but grab it.” She nibbled on my ear and reached for my crotch. It wasn’t long before she WAS in my lap and we were fore playing our way into sex.
“I shouldn’t I have a girlfriend.” I tried to resist but it was already too late, she had me in her clutches and she wasn’t going to let go until she got what she wanted out of me.
“What would you want her for anyway? She can’t do what I can do for you.” She slipped her top off. Her breasts were much larger than Adel’s but lacked the perkiness because of their weight. I knew that afterwards I would regret what I had done but there was no way to stop myself emits the carnival lust that was that first time in the office.
We kissed long and passionately like a firm bed you sleep great on. She was much more sexual and demanding of a lover. I loved to be bossed around in the bedroom and she took pleasure in doing it. I played the role of Johnny on the spot with the ammo to a tee and she loved. Her vagina was warm and tender, a feeling that I had been far too long without. She loved to be kissed and ordered around, were to lick and how to work it. A true working class girl who never cared who was on top just as long as it felt good; all the rumors about her had been true, she was a master craftsmen in the art of making love. We bent into all sorts of positions and copulated with lustful rage, I spoke dirty to her and she loved it, she was moist and I loved that.
Even while the whole thing was going on I wondered how this would change things with Adel. How’d this would ultimately end us, I knew it then, though I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it until later. Her love filled me in all the ways Adel left me cold. You can’t have a relationship based completely on physical attraction nor can you sustain one on just personality. I loved Adel for her soul and Marylou for her unkempt desires. Neither would ever work out and it was only a matter of time before my hand would be forced. We made love like wild animals on the floor and desk of both our offices. Marylou had the unique female ability to have multiple orgasms, (something Adel didn’t share,) it had always been a great yearning of mine to achieve this holy grail of sexual conquest and Adel had never given be the opportunity to try. I gave Marylou three orgasms and ate her cunt like it was my last meal. She felt satisfied in ways she hadn’t in years and I was completely in ecstasy from what was the best sex in my entire life. I didn’t know you could attain that level of heightened feeling were even the softest breeze can send you into cascading emotions of pleasure and lust.
If you can try to imagine what it feels like to be questioned in a police station for a murder you committed then you might have a sliver of a chance in understanding what it felt like to be around Adel after my act of tertiary. It felt like I was wearing a fat suit of guilt and how she never asked about it was beyond me. The only thing I had been sure of during the previous three and a half years of being with Adel was that I loved her. How was I supposed to act normal when I wasn’t even sure of that anymore? After all if I did truly love her then I would have never slept with another woman, right? Everything that had become my world seemed to be unraveling at my feet and I was scared of what that might lead to.
Marylou was a wonderful woman and extremely sensual, if I had met her before Adel there was a strong chance it would be her that I loved. I knew having sex with Marylou was wrong but I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. I didn’t turn on Adel anymore and my hormones were never more alive. She was dominant in the bedroom, full of life and willing to work. A true delicate flower that’d knock you on your ass if that’s what you wanted. Still… I loved Adel and she was the only woman I could ever picture myself with. I had to do something to get her back. Naively thinking that it was something I did that made her not want to be with me, never could I have imagined that it wasn’t I who had done anything. It was something much deeper, which was beyond even my ability to control. A fundamental shift had taken place inside her; she wasn’t the same Adel that I had fallen in love with. She was darker and edgier and not the same sweetness but more sour. It was like trading an automatic corvette for a manual, much faster in acceleration and it takes some getting used to. I wanted to try and fix everything regardless of how feeble of an attempt that might be. It’s just like a man to think he can fix anything. Only problem was that Adel wasn’t sure there was anything wrong.
We had planned this big vacation together, actually our first vacation together. Marylou wasn’t happy I was going because she wanted me to be with her but I explained that I had made these plans months before and couldn’t cancel. We were going on this romantic trip to St. Kitts, which was once a British Colony and was supposed to be very beautiful and serene. It is this tiny little Island that is actually connected underwater to the island right next to it (Nevis) and they are recognized as one nation. We had rented a beautiful beachfront bungalow at this Timothy Beach Resort about ten minutes south from the capitol city of Basseterre and the only major airport on the island. Everything had started off perfectly normal; the flight in had been delayed and I spent most of the time trying to get drunk off of those signal servings of alcohol. It would have been damn near impossible if it wasn’t for the fact that I smuggled my flask onboard and took the liberty of finishing all the whiskey in it. Wasn’t until halfway through the flight that I actually started to feel a little tipsy. Maybe it would have been better if the plain had crashed because our relationship and my tie to Adel Mable was about to be severed forever, she WAS dead to me after the next five days.
There are three groups of volcanic mountain ranges on the eighteen by five mile island. There are the Mount Misery Range and the Verchilds Range in the middle of the island and the Olivees Range on the southeastern section of the island. As we left R.L. Bradshaw International Airport in the capitol I could see the Olivees to the northwest and the giant sugar port that dominated economic policy directly south. I had never been anywhere in my life and the smell of that cool Caribbean air made me feel as though I hadn’t lived until now. I was in paradise with the person I loved. The Timothy Beach Resort was located next to a thin strip of land that connected the St. Thomas Lowland to the island. It wasn’t more than a mile in either direction to the Atlantic Ocean and the Caribbean.
The hotel was an attractive one-bedroom suite with a beautiful seaside view overlooking a stunning beach of off-white sand. I was hoping for a romantic getaway filled with passionate wild naked Caribbean love and long laborious days of scuba diving and lounging around. I relished the idea of little clothes on Adel’s timeless figure. It would be like those old time Hollywood scarlets and hero’s that fled to exotic beachfront palaces in the nineteen twenties, thirties, and forties. As perfect as I thought the trip would be it turned out to be perfectly opposite. The trip was supposed to last six nights and seven days, the first day on arrival was nothing more than the flight, finding the hotel, checking in, relaxing, getting something to eat, and some modest exploration of the Resort beach and facilities. We didn’t make love that night.
The next day started off immediately with a huge argument over the dumbest of things, as much is the case when it comes to our fights. She had wanted to go to the St. Kitts Marriott Resort and Royal Beach Casino which was located just a little bit to the south of us near North Frigate Bay on the Atlantic side. I had wanted to get scuba certified and go diving at the River Taw, (one of the several sunken ships.) I caved rather quickly, (like I usually did,) only I made a small remark. Almost under my breath enough to where she wouldn’t have been able to decipher it. “You always get you’re way or you’ll bitch about it until you do.” That was all I said, you would have thought that I opened Pandora’s box in the room, she just completely freaks out on me and starts yelling at the top of her lungs.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I was stunned; I didn’t think she would pick such a small backhanded comment to get all upset about. “I DO A WHOLE FUCKLOAD FOR YOUR SORRY MOTHERFUCKING ASS.” She continued, not pulling any punches. “IF IT WASN’T FOR ME YOU’D PROBABLY BE IN JAIL RIGHT NOW I BUY YOU FOOD, CLOTHES, AND MEALS!” She had done all these things in the past and was still holding them over my head like an executioner. Continuing she almost left me in tears, “I KNEW THAT YOU’D GET HERE AND START SOME STUPID FIGHT AND I’D END UP CRYING.” She threatened to leave the island and never talk to me again, as she had done several times in the previous four years, only this time I knew that she truly felt certain hatred towards me that was never there before. “ALL WE EVER DO IS FIGHT NOW A DAYS.” Hinting that she was unhappy in the relationship. I begged and pleaded that she not go and promised that it was just a stupid remark. I said it would never happen again. We went off to the Marriott to gamble and check out the area to the south of us. I needed a drink by then anyway.
The next two days followed the pattern of whenever she wanted to do something opposite as me she would throw a giant fit about me never appreciating her and how she should just leave, we had flown some two thousand miles south and all she ever wanted to do was leave me and return home. I didn’t understand her wild ranting mood swings that seemed to pop up with bipolar regularity. I would always apologize and everything would soon be forgotten and our day would continue as normal. We saw and did lots of wonderful things; parasailed, scuba dived, swam, gambled, lounged around, and climbed Mt. Liamuige (the tallest peak at 3,793ft.) It used to be called Mount Misery and the fog that constantly coats the top is easily mistaken for snow. A beautiful volcano and the very first I had ever gotten the chance to experience. We did all these wonderful things yet we hadn’t gotten around to making love on the island paradise. Adel wasn’t on her period and for all her prudence even she must have felt the wonderful sensual vibe that hung translucently in the air. I wondered what was wrong? Was it I? Was it something that I had done to her? She hated when I bugged her about sex and my recent affair with Marylou had only isolated me further. I felt as though my mere presence made her feel uncomfortable, I worried that she had discovered my affair and was too afraid to confront me about it. I knew that she’d have to learn of it and resided to telling her as soon as we got back. I wasn’t going to ruin what was left of our trip even if she did know.
It was on our second to last night our relationship came to a sudden a dramatic end. Everything had started off perfectly on a gorgeous Caribbean’s night, with another speechless amber sunset of rich and fulfilling ambience that graced us as we ate on this patio that was adjacent to the hotel lounge. The cool breeze blew gently through our still ocean soaked hair, she sipped margaritas and I drank some local ale that tasted though someone had sweetened it. The dinner was a feast crab legs and delectable beef with sides of mashed potatoes and some weird salad. I have neither since nor never before seen a salad that look so peculiar as that one did on that night. It had weird colors of blue and purple cloaked by the mask of familiar ranch dressing. I couldn’t help but wonder were on the island the blue food grew? (An oddity that Adel didn’t share so much enthusiasm for.) She was talking about kids and maybe someday having them, something to which I also aspired. I’ve always known my first son was going to be named Dylan and she counted off some girl names she had always liked, none of which I really got vamped up about but I cared not as long as my first son was Dylan. Let the woman pick the girls name just as long as it isn’t something really screwy and oddball. I was only half paying attention I must admit, the blue food was just so fascinating and set my mind blazing through the wildfires that often ignite my fantasies. I get some of my best ideas when I’m in such intrinsic states. Only later would I realize the importance of the conversation. The dinner progressed back to alcoholic beverages of crisp cool beer and frosted deserts of chocolate confections. Adel began to grow increasing angry towards my seeming lack of focus and long conversational hiatus’s. She never understood nor pretended to understand my sometimes-irrational behaviors for the sake of creative explorations and comparisons. I took an almost scientific approach when learning something I though might permeate into writings.
“You always do this when I try to talk to you!” She finally blurted out. “You don’t love me enough to pay even one goddamn minutes time to me.” She was yelling at me without raising her voice and yet if I uttered a response to her allegations I knew she’d tell me to stop yelling. I did nothing. “Aren’t you paying attention to me?” I wondered why it was that every time a woman catches you doing something she doesn’t like she always asks you if you love her and why would you do such a thing if you do. I must have spent too much time in my own thoughts and she suddenly erupted and stormed out of the restaurant. “FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!” She hollered loud enough so the entire restaurant stopped and stared at me standing up asking for her to return. I would have chased her down but I couldn’t leave without paying the bill. Just my luck I couldn’t find the goddamn waiter worth shit and it took me five good minutes before I could be out of there and on the prowl for Adel. I knew she couldn’t have gone far yet I feared that she didn’t want me to find her. I went to check our room first.
I’ve never been great with numbers and in the rush and panic I tried three times to get into the room across the hall thinking that it was indeed mine and that Adel had somehow jammed the door locking herself inside. I felt like the biggest jackass when the guy finally opened the door and set me straight. I bound through the hotel door and found her feverously packing her bags.
“What are you doing?” I didn’t realize how big of a deal my lazy daydreaming was. “Where exactly do you think you’re going?” She didn’t want to acknowledge my presence. On she went packing her shirts and mini-skirts. “HONEY!” I finally yelled. Stopped her dead in her tracks, she hated when I raised my voice. I could see she was partly afraid of the raging anger monger that I had morphed into. “WOULD YOU JUST talk to me?” I tried to calm down.
“What is there to talk about?” She responded.
“What do you mean? You just walked out on me at dinner and now you’re all pissed off and you’re threatening to leave. What the hell’s going on? What’d exactly did I do?” Whenever arguments abound it always seems that they tend to consist of lots of questions and relatively few answers. Then she finally told me what she’d been trying to tell me all along.
“Shut up and Listen…” I knew I was in for a whooper and prepared myself for the worse. “I’m pregnant.” She said, then came the kicker, “It’s not yours.” My heart sank to the floor and I turned five shades of white in two seconds. It felt like I couldn’t breathe, she had clobbered the wind from my chest and I grew lightheaded. I wanted to respond but I couldn’t summon up enough air to speak. She started to break down as she continued to pack her things, she moved with a quickness that wasn’t there before. I wanted to stop her; I wanted to tell her of my infidelities and how I had slept with Marylou. I wanted to do a lot of things right then and there in St. Kitts but I found myself unable to do the slightest thing about it. Telling me she had slept with another man was always the worse thing I could ever imagine coming from Adel. She knew that and that’s why it ate her up inside. I must have sat silently at the table as she packed for minutes. I couldn’t decide if I was going to pass out or get angry. It wasn’t until she was almost done that I knew if I didn’t say something I’d regret it the rest of my life, only the words didn’t seem to want to come out right.
“What the fuck? Who the fuck is this guy and how long have you been sucking this hairy, dead-mother-fuckers-dick?” Yelling at an emotional distressed woman is never a good way to calm her down and Adel’s tears really opened up and she felt incredibly bad. I knew an abortion was out of the question and that she had already resided herself to having the baby. “Are you going to talk to me you fucking whore?” I had never called her a whore in the almost four years that we had been together. My words cut her so deep that no stitches would ever be able to close the wound.
“I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you before we came but I couldn’t” She sobbed more, I should have told her of Marylou but I was too angry to give her anything to feel good about. “I’m going to have it, I’m not going to tell the father because it was an accident and it only cause more problems.”
“How the fuck is something like that an accident? Did his dick accidentally fall inside you?” She tried to apologize but I wouldn’t let her get a word in, it was my turn to tell her a few things. “Where do you get off going around having one night stands with people and then telling me you love me? You don’t love someone who you do this too and that’s another thing, who the fuck did you sleep with?” She didn’t want to tell me but I forced it out of her, “You owe me that much.” Finally made her cave and tell me.
“It was Jimmy, Sara’s husband.” Another giant size explosion landed squarely in my heart. She had been Sara’s matron of honor at their wedding; they had a small child Isabella and a nice pretty white house over in a neighboring town. I wasn’t allowed to the wedding because everyone was afraid I’d make a scene and destroy the wedding. Anne hated me for whatever reason and was one of the biggest reasons why there was friction in our relationship. Sara was responsible Adel’s constant need to go our bar hopping with her smutty friends, none of which like me and I was NEVER invited along.
“HOLLY FUCKING SHIT!” I yelled, now I had truly gone off the deep end of the cliff. “You’re the biggest fucking slut whore cock-teasing bitch I’ve ever met in my life.” The funny thing was that Jimmy had gotten Sara pregnant before they were married. “What the fuck was going through your fucking head at the time? I don’t care, I don’t even want to know.” I was reduced to thinking out loud and that’s really when you can get yourself into trouble with people, just blurting out whatever obscenity that comes to mind. “Just get out, I never ever want to see you again, get out of my life you whore bitch and have fun raising your bastard child and leading the life you’ve always feared. Being alone, with child, forced to work just to survive.” I knew she’d never forgive me for those words and I knew just as certain that I’d regret the whole thing later. Adel was wrecked now, completely beside herself; I imagine that however bad she saw the whole thing going down it had gone far worse. She finished packing by leaving half her stuff in the dresser drawers and the closet. I didn’t know what to really do or how to feel the minute that door slammed shut and Adel was out of my life.
We’d gone through so much together, done some much growing up as people. We weren’t anything more than kids when we started out. I sat down on the king size suite bed. A love of such great importance never comes around twice if it ever does at all. For better or worse Adel Mable had been the love of my life and I knew that there was a good chance that there’d never be another. I knew I’d think about what she was doing with her life constantly, I knew I’d wonder what my life would be like if she was still there to pick me up and dust me off. Yet I couldn’t do anything at that moment but sit on my bed and cry for the love I’d lost, the friend that I’ll never talk to again. She was my best friend in my entire life and now I’d never again hear her voice or see her radiant green eyes.
The rest of the trip was an exercise in morose anxiety, everything and everyone on the island reminded me off Adel. I spent the next day mostly in my room ordering up as much booze as I could drink. I didn’t want anyone to see me in my destroyed state. I dreaded the idea of going back home and having to sit for hours around complete strangers all the while feeling I’m going to break down. I knew Adel had cried all the way home; I wanted to comfort her in her tears. I debated whether I should call her and except what she had done but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to forgive her for the child. I wanted too and anyone who could is a true saint in my eyes but you have to be able to trust someone and I knew now that that trust would never be there again. I’d always wondered if she had been keeping something from me. Who she was really going out with, I believe that there is always a normal level of suspicion in any relationship but we had crossed that line of normalcy and left is in our dust a long time ago. I always preferred drastic actions to rational ones and the most drastic move I could think of was to forget she had ever existed at all. I had known Adel longer than everyone she was leaving me for. There was no sense of loyalty left in her body, she had once loved me enough to agree to marry me and now she wanted nothing but to get away and to destroy a life I had been working for.
I arrived home with the weight of what had just happened resting heavily on my shoulders. I couldn’t muster up enough courage to tell my family, (who all had adored her,) after two weeks they all just figured it out. I really never told them the whole truth and they’ll never learn of it because they’ll never read this story. I try not to think of Adel or her child, but time has not yet eroded my feelings for her.
Adel Mable was the first woman I ever loved and for the rest of my life that’ll never change. I’ll carry the pain of her absence the rest of my life but I choose not to ever forget how much it hurts. Not because it wouldn’t be easier that way but because if I still feel that pain then I’ll know that what we had was real and not just bullshit, and that means more to me than the pain going away ever could. Over the course of our relationship she taught me more about life then any teacher I have ever had. She inspired me to approach the small deeds as if they were great endeavors and let not what others think effect my decisions. She was always going to do what she wanted and when, I just consider myself lucky to have stood in her path long enough. I hope someday she might read this tale and look back thru the years remembering with great affection the tender kisses, warm nights, and fiery love that had once burned brightly between us. I long for that love that has since eluded me. We were young, wild, and in love, I can’t think of a single greater thing in the world. What a rare thing. I don’t place any blame on Adel or myself for what inevitably happened. We grew up together at a pivotal point in ones life where you have to grow up, put away childish things, and start writing the story of your life. Every story needs a truly great tragedy and my story just happens to have this one.
For Your Concern 